Thirteen Women (1932)

Twelve women – friends who were formerly sorority sisters – write to that great fortune-teller, the Swami Yogadachi (C. Henry Gordon), asking that he read their horoscopes. Each receives a doom-laden response. “It is ordained that someone close to you will meet death through an act of yours,” the Swami writes to June Raskob, one half of the popular circus act The Raskob Sisters. She goes to perform her acrobatic act nonetheless – and misses catching her sister, letting her plummet to her death before the eyes of the audience. June checks herself into an asylum. Then Hazel Cousins receives her horoscope from the Swami: “I see bloodshed…I see prison for you.” Shortly thereafter, she’s arrested for the murder of her husband. The Swami is distraught at the tragedies, but his beautiful, severe secretary, Ursula Georgi (Myrna Loy), is unmoved. And she seems to have dreadful powers of her own: when he looks into her eyes and predicts a terrible calamity involving a train, she gazes back and tells him he’ll suffer the same fate. Soon she’s mesmerizing him at the train station, and, in such a state, he falls backward into the tracks, right before the onrushing engine. We learn that the horoscopes of the twelve women who wrote to the Swami were actually answered by Ursula’s pen – and now she’s tracking down the remaining women to guarantee that they meet the awful ends she predicted for them, all part of an elaborate revenge scheme for a personal slight at the sorority, years ago. But she foresees trouble with the thirteenth member of the sisterhood, Laura Stanhope (Irene Dunne), who’s a rigid skeptic. “I hate her cool poise, her rigid mind!” Ursula fumes.

June Raskob receives her horoscope, which predicts her sister's tragic death.

Thirteen Women (1932) is a deliriously eccentric pre-Code programmer from RKO, executive produced by David O. Selznick and helmed by RKO contract director George Archainbaud. It was adapted from a 1930 supernatural-themed bestseller by Tiffany Thayer, co-founder of the Fortean Society and a deeply eccentric fellow himself (in his later years, he claimed the atomic bomb was nothing but a hoax). The opening minutes of the film contain enough murder and mayhem for a bevy of early 30’s horrorshows, all accompanied by a stylistic visual motif – a star hurtling toward the viewer in dazzling light like the Angel of Death. These lovely young sorority sisters in their designer gowns can do nothing to stop the destructive powers of astrology. Helen Frye (Kay Johnson) claims, defiantly, “No stars are going to twinkle-twinkle me into committing suicide!” – but a few scenes later and the hypnotized girl is pointing a revolver into her own chest; Ursula, standing outside the train compartment, dons a satisfied expression when she hears the bang. Of course, this is all firmly rooted in science fact. The opening titles contain a quote from Applied Psychology: “Suggestion is a very common occurrence in the life of every normal individual…waves of certain types of crime, waves of suicide are to be explained by powers of suggestion upon certain types of mind.” And what is more suggestible than the feminine mind? (More seriously, Thirteen Women fits in neatly with a number of thrillers that elevate feminine intuition to the psychic level, such as the Shirley Jackson-derived The Haunting and, of course, Carrie.)

Laura (Irene Dunne) finds herself trapped in a runaway car when the chauffeur - Ursula's accomplice - abruptly dives out the door.

But the secret of Thirteen Women comes entirely out of left field. Ursula is of mixed race; or, as Police Sergeant Clive (Ricardo Cortez) puts it, she’s a “half-breed type: half Indian, half Japanese, I don’t know!” The real reason Ursula wants the thirteen women dead: they wouldn’t let her into their sorority because she wasn’t white. When she finally confronts Laura in the climax, she rages, “Do you know what it’s like to be a half-breed, a half-caste in a world ruled by whites? If you’re a male, you’re a ‘coolie.’ If you’re female, you’re…well… The white half of me cried for the courtesy and protection that women like you get. The only way I could free myself was by becoming white…I spent six years slaving to get money enough to put me through finishing school, to make the world accept me as white, but you – and the others – wouldn’t let me cross the color line.” One can understand her frustration: when a police bulletin is issued, it urges all officers to keep an eye out for a “half-caste Hindoo.” Myrna Loy – Nora Charles herself – is greatly miscast for such a role, but in a memorably seductive and fiery performance, she still manages to sell the idea of a woman driven to manipulation and murder when society refuses to accept her. It’s not the most sensitive treatment of the topic, to be sure, but this is a pulpy, 60-minute thriller from 1932, not an Oscar-baiting melodrama. When Ursula tries to dispatch Laura’s young son with a rubber ball stuffed with dynamite, director Archainbaud actually manages a sequence worthy of early Hitchcock: urged to not open his presents before his birthday arrives, young Bobby can’t resist the temptation, and sneaks out of bed and over to his closet, reaching up for those presents just out of reach – the box with the explosive ball teetering on the brink, just above his head. Then he manages to spill nearly all the presents but the deadly one. Flushed with guilt, he rushes back to bed – and therefore escapes death. (This is his second close call; earlier, Ursula delivered him poisoned candy.) A few more scenes like this one, and Thirteen Women would not be so obscure. As it is, it’s a sensationalistic pre-Code romp, and the new Warner Archives DVD comes highly recommended.

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Star Wars (1977)

As a child, I slept in Star Wars sheets while wearing Star Wars pajamas. I listened to the storybook record and tapes of the radio adaptation. I collected the trading cards and obsessed over the action figures, setting a personal goal of collecting every monster who appeared in the Mos Eisley cantina; and I swooned with jealousy at those friends whose parents were rich enough to buy them the larger Star Wars sets, such as the Millenium Falcon and Death Star. I was horrified when my sister used my Luke Skywalker figure for the guillotine diorama she’d made for a class, leaving Luke’s severed head lying in a tiny basket. By the time Return of the Jedi was released, my collection was quite large. By now I had a Scholastic picture storybook acquired from a “Bookmobile” at school, bearing the redacted title Revenge of the Jedi. When I got the Return of the Jedi Sketchbook, I studied its concept art so intensely that it might as well have been holy scripture. I had the Ewok Village and Jabba’s throne room, with its pop-up trap door; I watched the Droids and Ewoks cartoons on TV, and had the Ewok TV-movies on tape, which I watched with my stuffed Wicket the Ewok in my arms. The Star Wars films weren’t really movies to me. They were something vaster: a gateway to a world I happily lived inside, because it was inherently more interesting to me than the drab suburbs of Union City, California. But at some point I moved past Star Wars, and let Tatooine, Yavin 4, Endor, and Hoth belong to my childhood. A couple decades later, when people my age were ranting and raving that Lucas had “raped” their childhoods with his prequels and “special editions” – and other such Jar Jar jibber-jabber – I felt completely disconnected; I had long since moved on and populated my imagination with other subjects. But I recently decided to purchase the Blu-Ray set and watch all six films in order of Lucas-stamped continuity; it had been more than a decade since I’d watched the original trilogy, so I wanted to see them fresh again.

A page from Marvel Comics' "Star Wars" #1, written by Roy Thomas and illustrated by Howard Chaykin. Thomas, perhaps best known for his long run on Marvel's "Conan the Barbarian," states in the issue that he was hand-picked by Lucas to adapt the film.

I will say this: it’s interesting to watch the films “in order,” but there is really nothing Lucas could have done to make a seamless transition from 2005 (III) to 1977 (IV). Star Wars was originally released without any “Episode IV: A New Hope” introducing the opening crawl. (I’m not here to add to the anti-Lucas rants, but the “special edition,” now unavoidable, really does apply sore-thumb CG onto its Tatooine sequences with garish abandon. I don’t understand all the complaining about Greedo shooting first, because the crudely-animated sequence of a 1977 Harrison Ford arguing with a 1997 Jabba the Hutt is more painfully distracting.) I am willing to take Lucas at his word that Star Wars was always meant to be part of a larger narrative, but it’s quite obvious that the story specifics of what would become the prequel trilogy were not yet in place. It feels like quibbling to complain that C-3PO ought to recognize Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru’s moisture farm, not to mention the planet Tatooine as a whole, since he was created there (readers, I’m asking you: is there a comic book or Star Wars novel out there which suggests that his memory bank was wiped?). And I’m sure you can write off Obi-Wan Kenobi’s mangled narrative of his Jedi Knight past by reading it as something of a white lie given to Luke to disguise more brutal truths, a reading more or less sanctioned starting with The Empire Strikes Back. When Obi-Wan tells the teenage Luke that he needs to learn the ways of the Force in order to go with him to Alderaan, it doesn’t even make sense in context of everything we’ve learned about the Jedi order in the previous three films. But all this is quibbling, because Star Wars is a film that was made in 1977 as an entirely self-contained fairy tale. Traveling from III to IV is going to be a jarring experience no matter what. The prequels are CG-heavy, state-of-the-art spectacles which belong to twenty-first century blockbuster moviemaking. In tone, content, and style they’re about as different from A New Hope as they are Barry Lyndon. Star Wars is scrappy, freewheeling, and fun. It’s considerably more innocent, and deliberately naïve.

The highly-prized "Cantina Adventure Set" was a Sears exclusive.

Although mention is made of the Clone Wars, Star Wars only really wants you to know a few basic things about its universe: there is a power called the Force; Darth Vader uses the Force for evil; and Obi-Wan Kenobi is an old Jedi Knight who is teaching Luke how to use the Force for good, to help the Rebel Alliance destroy Vader’s planet-destroying weapon, the Death Star. Everything surrounding that is simply nonsense which adds texture to the mythical world. When Luke says, “I used to bullseye womp rats in my T-16 back home,” you more or less know what Luke’s talking about, even though the movie isn’t stopping to explain to you what womp rats are, or even what a T-16 is. The actors complained about Lucas’ gobbledygook-laden script; they couldn’t yet see that the final product would look so convincing that it would help sell those lines. But this was fantasy world-building on the fly, limited by its budget and the effects of 1977, which meant that John Dykstra and the other wizards onboard would have to invent new technologies to bring battling X-Wings and TIE Fighters to life. Once the audience could see those ships soaring over the surface of the Death Star, it would be much easier to conceive of such concepts as the Clone Wars, and their own imaginations could eagerly fill in the rest of the details without the assistance of Ewan McGregor and Hayden Christensen.

The read-along storybook record.

So Star Wars, in retrospect, ironically seems like a modest production. Compared to its sequels and prequels, it’s somewhat lacking in complex storytelling, elaborate action scenes, or alien worlds (mainly serving up a lot of Tatooine, since the Tunisian desert made for such a spectacular and cheap special effect). But it’s propelled by humor and charm, some of it supplied by its two droids – quickly establishing themselves as the Laurel and Hardy of the series – and the rest by its young cast: Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, and Carrie Fisher. The three heroes are at each other’s throats for most of the running time, only eventually – but organically – becoming devoted to one another, the most human thread which will develop through Episodes V and VI. This equally-weighted balance of character and spectacle is fundamentally what makes the original trilogy superior to the prequels, which lose that balance. (Lucas mentions in the commentary track of The Phantom Menace that he muted his actors’ line delivery to keep the tone in step with that of the original films, which actually severely misrepresents the enthusiastic performances given by Hamill, Ford, and Fisher). Star Wars is also boosted by Lucas’ skills with editing an action sequence. The final raid on the Death Star is still heart-pounding, even after you’ve watched it a hundred times and memorized every beat. Throughout the film, Lucas creates an irresistible kinetic energy that carries you from scene to scene. This skill of his is evident in the prequels, whatever you might think of them. (Rewatching the pod race and Darth Maul duel, I’m struck by how The Phantom Menace suddenly comes to life. As though learning from the success of those two sequences, Lucas plays to his own strengths by making II and III more action-packed; they’re more enjoyable films as a result.)

As an adult, I've long since abandoned my Star Wars collection of action figures and books, though I've kept my comic collection around. That extends to a few early issues of the Marvel Comics "Star Wars," including #6, with its misleading (but "soul-shattering") cover.

Lucas composes his films like a musician, which is why he met his perfect symbiotic match in John Williams, who, with Star Wars, returned film soundtracks to the world of the grandly symphonic. Their collaboration is a genuine artistic achievement, somewhat taken for granted over the decades, the result of the pop cultural impact-crater these films created. Williams finds some grand themes and varying leitmotifs to match the recurring ideas and characters which Lucas plays with in his serialized story, until, by the time their collaboration reached Revenge of the Sith, there are so many layers visually and aurally that it becomes a genuinely operatic experience, albeit a uniquely cinematic one. (If you are tracking the story through its music, you will find this to be the strongest argument to watch the films in the order they were actually made.) Look, all of these films are exquisitely crafted. I still find the various making-of documentaries engrossing, simply because of the level of detail given every minor character’s costume design. But rewatching Star Wars, I’m reminded that at one time the scale was a little smaller, the stakes lower. It was a simple escapist adventure story – a little bit Western, a little bit Kurosawa, a little bit rescue-the-princess fantasy – and we loved George Lucas for it. The Empire Strikes Back would be better in every way (I’d argue it’s a masterpiece), but it was also the start of an increasingly burdensome and convoluted mythology. Star Wars was just some funny banter, exciting thrills, chirping Jawas, spider-droids, lightsabers, Tusken Raiders, low-res holograms, clattering stormtroopers, and stop-motion-animated chess. Sometimes the glue and tape showed, but it was still enough imagination to sustain any child to adulthood.

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Old Dracula (1974)

There’s a hint of a good idea buried somewhere in Old Dracula, aka Vampira (1974): what if Dracula were still around to enjoy his pop culture success? How would he adapt to international celebrity? The opening scenes hold some promise. Dracula – played here by David Niven, who looks very much like David Niven and not very much like Dracula at all – is lounging in his castle, reading an issue of Playboy and leering at the veins and jugulars on display. His assistant, Maltravers (Peter Bayliss, The Magic Christian), arrives with a glass of blood and proudly announces the vintage:

“It’s a ’63. The daughter of a French businessman who came to use our telephone when his car broke down.”
“Oh, the virgin? There’s not much of that left.”
“No indeed, sir. But I’m sure you’ll find the ’71 – you know, the climbing accident – will still have a lot of body in it.”
“Pity, it’s more than we can say for him.”

I would have enjoyed 90 minutes of this coolly-delivered banter from Niven and Co.; but, alas, Old Dracula soon proves it’s not going to be that kind of movie after all. I was not complaining, however, when Linda Hayden showed up in the castle sporting an unbuttoned top and a clumsy German accent. My crush on Linda Hayden is well documented in these pages. It’s also the reason why I now own a DVD of Old Dracula, against all reason. Hayden – who played the love interest in Confessions of a Window Cleaner the same year – is her usual fetching self, playing the hired help who’s accidentally turned into a vampire by Dracula when he tries to stop her from quitting. This leads to an amusing scene in which Dracula entertains his guests – Playboy playmates gathered for a Castle Dracula photo shoot – while trying to prevent the newly-vamped Hayden from biting everyone. Alas, he shortly dispatches her with a crossbow to the heart. Vampires are too much upkeep.

Dracula (David Niven) assists his servant Maltravers (Peter Bayliss) in exterminating an unwanted vampire (Linda Hayden).

Dracula’s real goal is to revive his dead wife Vampira (Teresa Graves, of the TV series “Get Christie Love”). He hopes that such a wide variety of beautiful Playboy bunnies will provide at least one blood sample that matches the type he needs for his transfusion. After drugging the women and drawing samples, he finds what he’s looking for; but, shades of “Abby Normal,” Maltravers has gotten the samples mixed up, resulting in Vampira becoming black. (The study will be published in the next issue of The Scientific Journal of 1970’s Comedy.) Though all the expected racial gags will follow, I do begrudgingly admire how the revelation is first handled: “I’m black,” she says, and Dracula responds, “Very.” “It’s beautiful!” she says, and he smiles back at her: “Yes, black is beautiful.” You’ll forget the moment a few minutes later when Maltravers is awkwardly explaining how the experiment was like mixing colors in with your whites (“Bringing my wife back to life is not like doing the laundry!”) – but still, the moment is there. Soon enough she’s beginning to pick up some hip urban slang and dragging him to a screening of Jim Brown’s Black Gunn. He acts the dutiful husband and doesn’t complain.

Marc (Nicky Henson) poses amidst some Playboy bunnies for a Dracula-themed photo shoot.

Sadly, he does seek to restore Vampira to her original state, chasing down each of the Playmates and stealing more blood samples with the help of a writer named Marc (Nicky Henson, There’s a Girl in My Soup) and some fake vampire teeth he hypnotizes Marc into wearing, by some plot mechanics that might charitably be called convoluted. You won’t be paying that much attention to the plot, because there are too many familiar faces popping up every few minutes: Freddie Jones and Veronica Carlson of Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed; Carol Cleveland of Monty Python’s Flying Circus; Jennie Linden of Women in Love; and assorted other hard-working British character actors from film and TV. But the early scenes of the film, which successfully translate a kind of Mad Magazine flavor of campy puns and bawdy humor, falls away all too quickly as the tone shifts into something more serious. It’s bizarre. Soon enough we’re being asked to care about Marc’s plight to save his girlfriend from Dracula’s clutches, while he battles the urge to strangle women, implanted by Drac’s hypnosis. Instead of the chaotic, slapstick payoff you’d expect from all-star comedies of this era, you get something that’s merely chaotic: a funk-addled 70’s costume party that drags on endlessly. The only reason to endure is a disorienting final gag that you will not easily forget: David Niven in blackface. That, and the theme song “Vampira,” sung by the Majestics and written by none other than Anthony Newley. His lyrics for “Goldfinger” are a tad more memorable.

Dracula enjoys an issue of Playboy in his castle.

The film was released under the title Vampira, but hastily retitled Old Dracula in the States to draw associations with a certain Mel Brooks film. The comparison is unflattering. Clive Donner – who directed What’s New Pussycat (1965) in better times – does a competent job, which means this production looks a lot more professional than the Freddie Francis-directed Nilsson vehicle, Son of Dracula (1974). (There are interesting sets and some clever visual gags, like a collapsible travel coffin that Drac provides his wife.) The British film industry struggled throughout the 70’s, and sexploitation – the only surefire route to profit – was the rage. Old Dracula received a PG rating in the U.S., but would perhaps be more successful with an R. What’s the point of constantly invoking Playboy and boasting a large cast of attractive young women if the discreet glimpses of nudity are fleeting? (My best guess: to hook a wider audience.) Sexploitation, or at least a more complete ribaldry, would have granted the film a sense of purpose. As it is, Old Dracula isn’t nearly as much fun as it ought to be.

(Available now as a burn-on-demand DVD from MGM’s Limited Edition Collection. The anamorphic widescreen DVD looks very good.)

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